Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Just sad today

Giving 'it' to God, whatever 'it' may be, is easier said than done. My 'it' is adopting an orphan with special needs. I've been drawn to adoption ever since I was a little girl. Once, when I was about 7 or 8, I was told what an orphan was, a child with no parents. It made me very sad to think about a child perhaps the same age as me that had no family. I decided that I was going to set up my own orphanage where people could bring their kids to our family and we would take care of them rather than them being alone. (Again, this is a 7-8 year old's idea, keep that in mind ;) ) I straightened up my bedroom, put my toys in boxes along the wall, made my bed, gathered blankets and pillows from the other bedrooms in our house and after that was done, I started making signs for our doors. How would someone know our house was an orphanage if we didn't advertise? I put a big sign on our front door with the words "Orphans can live here." It was all set up, now, I waited. I fully expected for people to just start dropping kids off at our house. My mom probably thought that I was just playing around, but it really was all from my heart to save a child. A child saving a child.

Obviously, my bedroom did not become an orphanage, but that burden of 'saving children' has never left me. Before we were married, my now husband and I watched a Dateline NBC episode about the plight of the diabled orphans in Ukraine. It was absolutely heartwrenching to watch these people literally wasting away and forgotten. Many of the institutionalized had Down syndrome and although I didn't know much about it, I knew that they didn't deserve to be treated this way. I told my husband that I wished we could take some of those children in and love them like they should be loved, cherish them like they should be cherished. I don't think he took me seriously.

A year later, my 2nd biological daughter (technically 3rd), Linden, was born in Sept 2008, with Down syndrome. (!!!) I knew before she was born that something was going to be 'different' with her and I expressed that feeling to my husband. A mother's intuition is amazing! Through the Down syndrome message boards that I frequenced, I saw two different families with biological children with DS adopting another child with DS from Reece's Rainbow. It had never occured to me to adopt another child with DS, I didn't know that people did that. We were really overwhelmed at the time with our own children and Linden's health issues. After following those amazing journeys made by amazing families, I was really inspired to adopt another sweetie with Ds 'one day'.

I've followed many adoption journeys in the past year. I've witnessed God's hand in it all. I've seen people worry about the cost and then, somehow, He makes that burden go away by showing them that He is in control. I've seen husbands against adoption in general, finally come around to it and meet their child for the first time and wonder what their worry was in the first place. I've seen an 11 year old girl raise $30,000 in 8 days to bring home her baby sister. I've seen a family fall in love with a child on the angel tree, committing to raise money for them, praying for them to find a family, and ending up being that family themselves. I've seen children weeks away from an adult mental institution find families in the nick of time. I've seen many, many miracles.

This all leads me to the reason why I'm struggling right now. My husband is adamantly against adoption. His reasons (1.He thinks we have enough children. 2. We already have one with special needs. 3. To be honest, I think he only has two reasons..ha!) do make sense to me in a way, however, when weighed against a child like my daughter lying in a crib for their entire lives, wasting away, unloved, forgotten, alone, it is very hard for me to find a good solid reason to say no. I'm burdened with these children's faces. I'm burdened with their stories. The burden isn't so much the problem. I am not always sure with what to do with that burden. Does God want me to adopt one of these children? Does God want me to advocate and raise money for them? Is that enough? Does God want me to leave it up to Him and just go about my life while praying for His will to be done? I wish I knew what His will was..........


  1. I've been following your blog for a while. I totally, completely, understand this place. I was created to adopt. I KNOW I have to adopt. I can't even think about adoption of any kind without being flooded with tears by the Holy Spirit. "When you know, you know." My husband and I dont have kids and were still pretty young, but he does not have the same heart for adoption that I do. I guess the whole "giving it up to God thing" is where Im at too. I find it hard to believe that He would put both this desire and our husbands in our lives without having a plan or reason. I understand your burden. I can't wait to see what God is going to do through your passion for orphans! I'm sure He is going to exceed all of your expectations.

  2. We love your big heart and your desire to love children the way they deserve to be loved. I can't wait to see what big plans God has in store for you. Whatever the outcome, I know He will use YOU in great big ways!

  3. I follow your blog and have found Reese's Rainbow and gone there as well. Which has only made it harder for me because my whole life I said I would adopt a child with DS.. I worked with them when I was younger and always thought if I didn't have one, I would adopt one. When I found Reese's Rainbow I now scroll the pages over and over EVERY night, hoping, looking. But my husband doesn't have the same passion. We have 2 children and he doesn't want to take on a child we'd have to care for, for a lifetime. I on the other hand think a child with DS would bring so much joy to our lives that we'd never be able to imagine our lives without them. I'll be praying for you as I pray for myself and my husband.

  4. Oh Bianca, this entry was so beautiful and heart felt. I wish I knew what God had planned for both of us because I know the feeling and it can be overwhelming and frustrating. My faith is easily shaken sometimes, but today, at least, I know that God gave us big hearts to start with then gave us Trent and Linden to make our hearts even bigger. God has a plan but won't reveal it until the right time. And I think your heart, prayers, and past "orphanage" have contributed to the many miracles you have seen because even small individual movements contribute to changes in the universe. Lots of love to your family. I'm sorry we missed each other this past holiday...I wasn't able to get online while in Eunice so I didn't get your number until I was home, and I didn't want to just show up at your door.

  5. Thank you for this post. I think I've mentioned to you before that I've always wanted to adopt a child with DS. Unfortunately, my husband is similar to yours. Not only does he not want to adopt a child with DS, but he doesn't want to adopt period. I've struggled with this knowledge. And I've wondered what I'm supposed to do when something so important to me isn't quite as important to him. Thank you for the wonderful reminder to trust that God has a plan.

  6. Bianca, I love your heart!! And truly God does too. I know it's hard to trust in His timing (it seems to be a daily struggle for me!) but I know God can and will change your husband's heart if You trust Him to do the changing (again so hard for me to do!!). I witnessed this with my own husband, but it truly was God's work that, well, worked. My pushing and hinting only seemed to "turn" him off more. Pray works...look at my poor husband - I was totally content with adopting two but God wanted us to ransom THREE!!! So be careful what you pray for...he he :)

  7. Hugs to you! I totally understand and have asked these same questions myself. The burden in my heart is overwhelming and yet it's mine alone for over two years now. I find that I often have to remind myself that my hope lies in God alone and not whether or not I'm able to adopt. (Not an easy thing and something I have to give over to God almost daily!!!) I truly understand and wonder why God gives the burden to so many women!

    Praying for you and your dh to have the same desire. That is my constant prayer for us too - that we would have the same desire - Gods!


  8. I have 3 biological children. I often think that if I came into some money that I would adopt from Reece's Rainbow or another place. I agree. I've watched the shows on orphanage conditions in other countries like China where they just pack them into rooms and It's heart wrenching. I wish I could save them all.