Just sad today

Giving 'it' to God, whatever 'it' may be, is easier said than done. My 'it' is adopting an orphan with special needs. I've been drawn to adoption ever since I was a little girl. Once, when I was about 7 or 8, I was told what an orphan was, a child with no parents. It made me very sad to think about a child perhaps the same age as me that had no family. I decided that I was going to set up my own orphanage where people could bring their kids to our family and we would take care of them rather than them being alone. (Again, this is a 7-8 year old's idea, keep that in mind ;) ) I straightened up my bedroom, put my toys in boxes along the wall, made my bed, gathered blankets and pillows from the other bedrooms in our house and after that was done, I started making signs for our doors. How would someone know our house was an orphanage if we didn't advertise? I put a big sign on our front door with the words "Orphans can live here." It was all set up, now, I waited. I fully expected for people to just start dropping kids off at our house. My mom probably thought that I was just playing around, but it really was all from my heart to save a child. A child saving a child.

Obviously, my bedroom did not become an orphanage, but that burden of 'saving children' has never left me. Before we were married, my now husband and I watched a Dateline NBC episode about the plight of the diabled orphans in Ukraine. It was absolutely heartwrenching to watch these people literally wasting away and forgotten. Many of the institutionalized had Down syndrome and although I didn't know much about it, I knew that they didn't deserve to be treated this way. I told my husband that I wished we could take some of those children in and love them like they should be loved, cherish them like they should be cherished. I don't think he took me seriously.

A year later, my 2nd biological daughter (technically 3rd), Linden, was born in Sept 2008, with Down syndrome. (!!!) I knew before she was born that something was going to be 'different' with her and I expressed that feeling to my husband. A mother's intuition is amazing! Through the Down syndrome message boards that I frequenced, I saw two different families with biological children with DS adopting another child with DS from Reece's Rainbow. It had never occured to me to adopt another child with DS, I didn't know that people did that. We were really overwhelmed at the time with our own children and Linden's health issues. After following those amazing journeys made by amazing families, I was really inspired to adopt another sweetie with Ds 'one day'.

I've followed many adoption journeys in the past year. I've witnessed God's hand in it all. I've seen people worry about the cost and then, somehow, He makes that burden go away by showing them that He is in control. I've seen husbands against adoption in general, finally come around to it and meet their child for the first time and wonder what their worry was in the first place. I've seen an 11 year old girl raise $30,000 in 8 days to bring home her baby sister. I've seen a family fall in love with a child on the angel tree, committing to raise money for them, praying for them to find a family, and ending up being that family themselves. I've seen children weeks away from an adult mental institution find families in the nick of time. I've seen many, many miracles.

This all leads me to the reason why I'm struggling right now. My husband is adamantly against adoption. His reasons (1.He thinks we have enough children. 2. We already have one with special needs. 3. To be honest, I think he only has two reasons..ha!) do make sense to me in a way, however, when weighed against a child like my daughter lying in a crib for their entire lives, wasting away, unloved, forgotten, alone, it is very hard for me to find a good solid reason to say no. I'm burdened with these children's faces. I'm burdened with their stories. The burden isn't so much the problem. I am not always sure with what to do with that burden. Does God want me to adopt one of these children? Does God want me to advocate and raise money for them? Is that enough? Does God want me to leave it up to Him and just go about my life while praying for His will to be done? I wish I knew what His will was..........